I’m a little bit off today-Five Finger Death Punch

I’m a little bit off today, something down inside me’s different
Woke up a little off today, I can tell that something’s wrong
I’m a little thrown off today, there’s something going on inside me
I’m a little bit off today, a little bit off today
(I’m a little bit off today, a little bit off)
See, I’m a little bit off today, I cannot put my finger on it
Got up a little off today, just to play that same old song
I don’t really wanna try today, I see nothing in my reflection
I’m a little bit dry today, feel like I could die todayFeel like I could die todayHey yeah, hey yeah
Hey yeah, don’t ya know? (I’m a little bit off)
Hey yeah, hey yeah
Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)I’m a little pissed off today and there ain’t nothing you can do about it
I’m a little put off today and I could not tell you why
Got a really short fuse today, everyone around me’s fucking crazy
I’m a little ticked off today, a little pissed off today
(I’m a little bit off today)
I told a little white lie today, I smiled and told someone I loved them
I had to say goodbye today to someone that I love
I couldn’t even cry today, I think my heart is finally broken
Didn’t need a reason why today, I don’t need a reason why todayHey yeah, hey yeah
Hey yeah, don’t ya know? (I’m a little bit off)
Hey yeah, hey yeah
Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)I got a little too high today, got lost inside a sea of madness
Crashed a little bit hard today, crashed a little too hard today
Everybody singHey yeah, hey yeah
Hey yeah, don’t ya know? (I’m a little bit off)
Hey yeah, hey yeah
Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)
Hey, you gotta let it go (I’m a little, just a little bit off)I’m a little bit off today
Something down inside me feels so different
Just a little bit off today
You can all fuck off todaySource: LyricFind

I saw the lyrics to this song online, it definitely fits my mood lately.

Numb

I wake up each morning not knowing which version of me I will be for the day and it seems like it is completely out of my control. That alone causes so much anxiety.

Some days I’m completely numb. I tell my family that I’m not feeling well because it’s easier for them to understand. It’s preferable to explaining something they may never experience.

Numb is better than angry.

Numb is better than depressed.

Numb is better than tears.

But numb doesn’t allow me to feel happiness either.

It’s these days that I have more repressed memories surface. So far today I’ve been forced to think about my grandmother’s death, ex relationships, old fights with my boyfriend, and my biggest insecurities. I guess it’s days like today that I deal with them best because I’m too numb to become emotional. They pass by like a movie screen and I’m unable to connect to the emotions they typically bring.

When I feel numb it’s like everything is moving is slow motion and I have all the time in the world to react to it, I just can’t. A hug from my daughter brings the same feelings the repressed memories do… none. It is frustrating and confusing.

When you can’t trust your own emotions

I’ve been told my whole life that no one should make you feel bad about how you ‘feel’ about a anything. People always say that feelings cannot be “wrong” but when I share how I feel it is always met with words like ‘irrational’, ‘over the top’ or ‘too emotional’. It’s two separate messages for my brain and I’m left feeling inadequate every time. I’m told not to hold my feelings in, a coping mechanism I began using early on, but when I let them out things go so wrong.

If I can’t trust myself how can I expect others to trust my decision making and not anticipate bipolar reactions?

Why does it have to be so damn difficult.

I almost wish that when I was younger I was told, “Your feelings and emotions will often be more intense compared to those around you. You reactions and responses will sometimes be irrational and over the top. Other people don’t experience the world like you do.” If I had been told that instead of, “Don’t let anyone ever tell you that your feelings are ‘wrong’” I might have had a better chance at working on my coping mechanisms early on. Because the truth is, very often, my feelings, reactions, emotions, and responses are often full of intensity and, sometimes, they truly are downright ‘wrong’. I find the way I feel about something today will be completely different tomorrow. For example, some days I experiencing extreme rage from my family leaving the bathroom without any toilet paper but a majority of the time I’m able to get another roll myself without much more than an eye roll. The extreme rage I feel on those days is not an ‘accurate’ expression of my true feelings. My feelings in the moment were, in fact, ‘wrong’ because it was an extreme and it was out of the norm of my typical behavior and reaction.

I really struggle with expressing my feelings without anger attached. Without anger I am able to keep my mouth shut and the lid locked on how I feel. With anger my words cannot be trusted. My boyfriend has always encouraged me to tell him when something is wrong or if I’m upset with him, which becomes a catch 22. If I’m angry, I will tell him what’s wrong in the worst way, I’ll probably be mean, and most of what I say will not represent how I truly feel. The anger protects me from telling how I feel. If I’m irritated about something that my boyfriend has said or done I will find something unimportant to get angry at. This allows me to get my frustration out without revealing how I truly feel and making an even bigger mess. The catch 22 part is that I often make a mess of things getting angry about little things. My family is left feeling confused and hurt. They don’t know what is wrong and they don’t know how to help. Instead they busy themselves with fixing anything I’m irrationally mad at. If I’m ranting about no one filling the toilet paper stock, my family will stock it and tiptoe around me until I seem safe to be around.

The worst part of all of this is that these moments are when I need love the most and they are the times when I am the least lovable.

Why I am here…

I’m getting to the point in my life where I’ve realized that the written word seems to be the only way to accurately portray my self, my thoughts, my feelings, and my emotions. When I attempt to use spoken words, it always ends in a ramble of verbal vomit combined with frustration at being misunderstood and finally ending with anger at myself for not being “normal”.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 when I was 25. Prior to that I had been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and seasonal affective disorder. The diagnosis rocked me to my core, I had always called my mother bipolar. I had never stopped to think about judging my own behavior. My diagnosis helped answer many questions, it was a relief to know that my brain didn’t work the same way as others, but at the same time it was like falling down a rabbit hole. I dove in to all the information I could find. I read books by people who are bipolar, reached out to those I know who have it, and began analyzing my own behavior constantly.

Over analyzing things began to make things difficult for my family. I found out quickly that discussing mental illness is uncomfortable for others even though every new fact is like a revelation to me. Bipolar has such a bad stigma and I believe it’s because of how difficult the symptoms can be to manage, especially for the family members of the one with it. I learned to walk a fine line, to only give my family the tools they need to understand me and to admit when my bipolar disorder has negatively affected those around me. Walking that line is difficult because there are so many things I feel like I cannot say or discuss. I need that outlet and I’m hoping to connect with someone who might understand or, at the very least, get it off of my chest.

This blog will remain anonymous, I will change every name of both people and places to protect my own identity. I am an educator and, unfortunately, the stigma of bipolar is not something I’m ready for face with parents, students, or coworkers. I’m doing this for me because I need to get better, because my family deserves a better me, and because someone else out there might need to read it, too.